


Mind your own damn business, Delores

by Spellina



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Constipated Five, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, No meta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:08:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spellina/pseuds/Spellina
Summary: Five and Vanya have been together for a few years, yet one morning, while the whole family enjoy their breakfast, Five says the wrong name and nearly causes the Apocalypse.The biggest mistake of Five's life had been his time-traveling, but this moment was close second.





	Mind your own damn business, Delores

**Author's Note:**

> They're about 16-17 in this story, but they went back to the past so they're actually adults. Enjoy :)

It started as a normal morning.

Allison and Luther were making googly eyes at each other, their legs tangled under the table. Diego was reading the day’s newspaper, occasionally stabbing Klaus with his fork when he tried to pick food off his plate. Ben had long resigned himself to sharing, mainly because he wanted to support the upgrade in Klaus’ morning habits, and also because he’d haunted the poor bastard long enough to know he liked the taste of stolen food better. As Grace left to buy some milk, Vanya started on the day’s first but not last pot of coffee. She looked at Five, who was sleepily studying one of their father’s files, sipping on a cup of what she now realized could only be bourbon.

“You drink too much,” commented Vanya as she took his mug and poured its contents in the sink.

“Mind your own damn business, Delores,” snapped Five, still reading.

The cup suddenly burst into Vanya’s hands and everyone in the kitchen froze instantly. Five turned around, half-expecting The Handler to appear, but then the reality of what he’d just said hit him and there was no going back. The biggest mistake of his life had been his time-traveling, but this moment was close second.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said immediately.

Vanya took in a sharp breath. Altogether their siblings started making excuses to leave.

“I should go,” declared Luther.

“Yeah, me too,” Allison added.

“I was done anyway,” sighed Klaus.

“Good luck man,” Ben told Five, before turning to his brother, “Diego?”

Not minding Ben and Klaus holding the door for him, Diego remained firmly on his chair with crossed arms, a deeply satisfied look on his face.

“Nah I’m staying, baby! I’m kinda curious to see how he’s gonna get out of this one.”

“Well if _he_ gets to stay-” tried Klaus.

“Don’t even,” Ben scolded.

Five didn’t pay them any attention. He was trying to read the pair of icy eyes who pinned him to the ground like a deer in the headlights. Vanya, however, turned her terrifying white gaze towards her brothers, her whole face adopting Grace’s signature smile as she said in her calmest, softest voice:

“Guys, do you mind?”

“Yeah I’m leaving,” Diego squeaked, promptly clearing off with the rest of them.

As of their siblings were gone, the kitchen should have been silent. Vanya didn’t talk and Five barely dared to breath. But the kettle started to whistle. Five knew how it ended. He’d read his father’s daily reports. So he spoke with caution, mentally prepared to jump to the freaking moon if he had to.

“Now, I know that you’re mad,” he started slowly.

“I’m not mad,” interrupted Vanya.

Her falsely light tone could have fooled him if another glass didn’t just shatter.

“You’re upset,” Five corrected himself. A cup from the shelf exploded near his face, he had to jump to the other side of the table. “I get that,” he tempered, holding his hands in the universal peace-offering position as he looked around him for what might attack him next. “But it’s just a habit and you know it.”

“Do you still love her?”

“What kind of stupid question is that?” he scowled.

Five would rather disarm a ticking bomb than have this conversation. Unfortunately for him, he was presently doing both.

“Do you still love her?” asked Vanya again, punctuating every word.

“Of course, I love her, I’ll always love her, we were married for over forty years!”

As he jumped to ward off a few explosions, he heard an inner voice resembling The Handler’s, mercilessly mocking him for being a complete idiot.

“V, don’t be irrational,” he reasoned, out of breath. “You’re being jealous of a _store mannequin_ , this is ridiculous!”

It hurt him to say it, it really did, but Five clearly had no choice. Surprisingly, it worked, as the room’s roar calmed down. That, and she didn’t try to stab him with the cutlery yet.

“She’s more than that to you,” Vanya murmured.

She looked like herself again, a hurt expression on her face, and for some reason Five thought it was worse. He jumped to her side and gently held her in his arms. It took a minute before she returned his embrace.

“You know, she’s not the one I’m trying to save from the Apocalypse,” he hinted with a smile.

“Yeah, well, obviously _she_ ’ll survive,” grumbled Vanya.

Five lost his smile, surprised and a little annoyed that she didn’t get his meaning.

“If she had been enough I wouldn’t have come back,” he tried again.

“Of course, I mean, it must have been hell, you were starving and all.”

Five closed his eyes and took in a deep, long breath to help him gather all the patience he had left, so he could make one last effort. He softly took her wrists in his hands and looked at her dead in the eye, as he solemnly said:

“I would shoot her in the head if it could stop the Apocalypse.”

“Well I hope so!" Vanya replied, a little indignant, "It’s not like it would kill her, anyway.”

Five didn’t know what triggered him the most, the fact that Vanya _still_ didn’t get what he meant, or that she now looked at him like _he_ was the crazy one.

“Good grief, woman!" he yelled, "How dense are you? I’m trying to tell you something here!”

“Why are you shouting all of a sudden?” reproached a confused Vanya, like _he_ was the short-tempered one.

“I’m not shouting!” he barked, pointing a threatening finger at her, “And I’m not pestering you about that precious _violin_ of yours either! I’ve seen the way you two look at each other, you don’t fool me, so cut me a fucking break! I’m out!”

He disappeared, leaving Vanya dumbfounded.

“He’s so _weird_ sometimes,” she said to herself.

The coffee pot’s sudden whistle startled her. She poured herself a cup, and let out a deep sigh after her first sip.

“You can come in, guys,” Vanya called.

She used her powers to open the kitchen door. Ben, Diego and Klaus all but fell down at her feet.

“Oh _thank god,_ ” exclaimed Klaus, “the suspense was _killing_ me! Oh, nice, coffee! Mind if I have a cup?”

“ _You_ are _not_ getting caffeine,” scolded Ben.

“Since when are you the boss of me?”

“Since I can kick your scrawny ass!”

“Oh, I can’t wait for you to die again,” snarked Klaus.

“That won’t stop me!” warned Ben.

Vanya took another sip of god-sent coffee, amused at the loving yet a little abusive relationship her brothers displayed. Diego poured himself a cup next to her.

“So I guess you didn’t kill him,” he commented as a matter of fact.

“Got enough material for a book yet?” she mocked, a twinkle in her eyes.

“You know what, maybe I _will_ write a book. With the _right_ facts this time. We’ll see if you keep that smug look on your face with all your dirty laundry out in the open.”

“I look forward to reading it,” she replied lightly.

“It’s gonna be called _V for Vendetta: the vicious story of Vanya Hargreeves._ ”

“Sounds exciting,” Vanya humored him.

“Well I’ll write one too,” decided Klaus, sending Ben a dark look, “I’ll name it _Six Feet Under: the haunting truth about Ben Hargreeves’ tyranny_.”

“Shut up and drink your juice, Klaus,” Ben scoffed.

“You’re doing it again!” whined Klaus stomping his foot like a child about to throw a fit.

 And just like that, it was another ordinary morning at the Umbrella Academy.

 


End file.
